Like each and every one of you I am human. I make mistakes, I hold expectations, I numb and distract myself when life gets tough (hell last night I opted for alone time on the beach with too much sangria and later had a heated discussion with my shame about it all. Brene Brown would have been so proud!) Since summer camp has ended, I’ve been at home with my 2 amazing spawn for 2 days straight. I failed to organize childcare so that I could complete my recipe of self care. So instead of a yummy, nutritious recipe I created a bitter bowl of anger, resentment, & general ugliness. I accept 100% responsibility for this vile dish. While concocting this mess I kept focusing on the fact that I was dying to write more of my book. But I made up a great story of how I “didn’t have the time this week.” SCREECH!!!!!!!! Pump the fucking brakes. That’s some nice bullshit you just served yourself Em.
I come back to being mindful. I do have the time. (And yes I 110% believe in mindfulness. I am 1 week into a 8 week mindfulness training course.) The online MBSR training course is free and is modeled on the program founded by Jon Kabat-Zinn at the University of Massachusetts Medical School. So I fire up the laptop and begin working on the book. I start writing more about the trauma of my brother’s accident and attempt to edit a few of the paragraphs. I quickly realize what a hard time I am having. I am getting frustrated that the words aren’t flowing. I don’t like the sentence order. And then all of a sudden I am lost in the moment and reliving that fucking awful, life altering phone call. I keep trying to write. And then it hits me. A mindful moment. I am aware my body is tense and my breathing is shallow. My brow is slightly furrowed. I stop typing.
I GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION TO STOP.
TO LET IT GO.
TO DO SOMETHING ELSE.
GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION. This lesson has been huge. If something or someone isn’t making you happy; isn’t serving you – let go. Hell this is what I co-founded Living Lighter for! So for tonight I am doing this; I am giving myself permission to write an impromptu blog post and read a book instead of write a book. Tonight was not the night for memoir writing. The required energy for writing about traumatic events is simply not present tonight. And that is ok. I know there will be another opportunity.
Ask yourself – what do you want to let go of? (I would love to know so please leave me a comment!)